This is almost OJ! The real OJ is tied up in the basement right now, which is odd, because there isn’t actually a basement here. Hrm. But I’m close enough! Perhaps I’m even… … … too close….
Or I’m just regular ol’ OJ with a mild fever which is being channeled toward the purposes of entertaining the wild frontier that is the internet. HELLO, INTERNET! CAN YOU HEAR ME? I AM ACTUALLY READING PART OF WHAT I TYPE OUT LOUD AS I GO, CAN YOU TELL? I AM COMPLETELY AND WHOLLY SANE, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I HAVE A FEVER OR NOT!
In the interests of that, I will now completely and sanely show you what happens when they let OJ “cook.” Oh yes, it happens, and sometimes, they even let me cook with fire. Bwahahahahaha. Sweet glorious fire.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a night. Learn the name of fire and then invite it over to play cards; it’s way cooler than that first guy. I mean, that dufus can’t even build a fire.
So, onto cooking with OJ. Here’s what you can expect if you make the mistake of letting me assemble “food.”
Step one, acquire the most unhealthy things that you can think of. If I know that this is going to be a social gathering, I’ll typically downgrade the products a few more times, just to make sure I don’t accidentally give someone Vitamin A, or something that’s actually on the food pyramid.
Yes, let the carbohydrates flow through you. Any “treat” must begin with the perfect outer layer, with the perfect texture….
I’ve tried with lesser ingredients, but it did not go well.
The texture, the mouthfeel, it was just not up to snuff. I was greatly saddened by this, which is why, as demonstrated above, I chose the correct base for my masterpiece.
The next layer is key, one should use the finest, and I mean the finest chocolate:
Unfortunately, I had already, ah, taken care of all of my Gay Odin. I didn’t even have a moderately enthusiastic Thor lying around. I made due, however, I made due.
With this smooth and sensual molasses-like sauce, I did cover every inch (every centimeter, whatever) with it, and then adorn it with something magical and delicious.
And it was FAMILY SIZE, but I wasn’t going to be bringing this to any family, oh, oh no. Oh, no family for this.
I had hoped for full size Reese’s Oreos, as they are crazy enough that I’d get sick all over again just to have them. DO YOU HAVE ANY? SAY YES AND DON’T LIE AND YOU MIGHT FIND ME PLEADING FOR THEM. OH, HOW I LOVE THE OREOS. GIVE THEM TO ME….
At any rate, the bottom layer was completed. But what was to go on top? Well, I’m glad I asked. PEANUT BUTTER. That’s right. Even more peanut butter glory flavor glory. Since that is boring, here’s an image of something else entirely.
YES, CHURN, CHURN MY BEAUTIFUL ICE BUCKET. SAVE MY WRIST THE STRAIN. SAVE THE SALT FOR… OTHER THINGS. JUST CHURN, CHURN, CHURN.
At last, the sweet perfection of my confection was complete. After spinning in one direction with no predilection to turn away, I lifted up the container and brought it to my tray.
I smothered and I smashed it into every nook and bit, taking care that in the scuffle that the precious crust was super fit.
As I toiled and I troubled I noticed to my dismay, that the coolness of the ice cream was to swiftly fade away.
With hustle and with bustle I applied a finishing touch, then I tossed it in the freezer in a frenzied impatient rush.
Oh no you say with horror, with that fog I cannot see, be relieved that o’er my life I’ve photographed a few of these.
And this, my friends, is A: what happens when I “cook” and B: what happens when I get too close to a keyboard while I have a fever. Perhaps I should get a restraining order against myself and play nothing but WiiU games where I cannot harm myself or others… well, except for maybe leaving false tips to get special coins in Mario, I suppose. But what sort of monster would do that? WHAT SORT OF MONSTER?
THE KIND THAT WOULD EAT A KANGAROO!
I have no idea how many kangaroos were in there, or even if it really was a kangaroo. I mean, it could be venison, or crocodile, or something they called “long-pig,” I mean, I’ve never seen the meat before, how could I know?
Quick, uh, let’s forget that by remembering more delicious and healthy ice cream.
All the daily calories you need in one convenient package!
Though, consuming it has been known to cause… side effects.
I was asleep. I was in a dream world of imagination and wonder.
Tiny, but calorie rich chocolate drinks….
Ice cream balls and whatever that orange yellow stuff was. Nougat?
And my two best friends! Luigi Mario and the other one!
Free comic book day, and the mother lode of burgerittos! Oh, I was in heaven!
Oh, and look, there was even a goddess there to welcome me:
I asked if she would butter these for me, but she took it the wrong way, and beat me up.
She wasn’t done with me yet.
FOR YOUR CRIMES, I CURSE YOU! I CUUUUUUURRRRRSEEEEE YOUUUUUUU! YOU WILL FACE MY PETS, AND THEN MY TRUE REVENGE!
Okay, seriously? A giant bird? I got out of this one with no problem. I laughed off her meaningless threat.
And then I found a fat dragon.
And I FOUGHT the fat dragon.
I lost. Oh, oh, oh did I lose.
Was this to be my future if I continued to consume mass quantities?
EVERY THING YOU EAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GUILT! GUIIIIIILT! EVERYTHING!
Everything? Like, even vegetables and vegan stuff? I mean, it’s hardly even alive right?
EVERYTHING. NOW FACE YOUR FATE. HERE IS A MENU, ORDER WHATEVER YOU’D LIKE.
Flan! Ha! That’s, uh, I think egg and milk and stuff, right?
AS YOU WISH, FOOLISH MORTAL!
My flan! It’s… looking at me. No! Stop staring into my soul! I NEED THAT TO LIVE!
MAYBE IT’S TIME YOU SAID, “HARO” to my friend?
What? Are you being racist?
That’s not even a real creature, it’s a robot! HOW CAN ITS GAZE AFFECT ME SO?!
I need something else, I need something else, uh, please, uh, yes, pancakes! YES, pancakes should be HARMLESS.
OH GOSH, PLEASE, WHY CAN’T I SELECT FLEE? AUGH. AUUUGH! THE EVIL EYE IS REAAAAL.
Doughnuts! Please, it’s sugar! Sugar and fat! PLEASE BE SAFE!
YES, IT IS SUGAR AND FAT AND IT WANTS YOUR SOUL. THE EYES ARE THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL, YOU WHO ARE SO CLOSE TO DEATH. YOU CAN CLOSE THEM TO BLOCK IT OUT, BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT IT WILL DO TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE BLIND?
Please, just get me something safe, I’ll close my eyes, when they’re open, please bring me something, your choice!
Okay, I’ll open my eyes.
What the? That’s not food, that’s a penguin!
POLAR BEARS EAT PENGUINS. IS POLAR BEAR FOOD NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? PERHAPS I SHOULD BRING YOU ONE.
No, please, please, just something, anything. Wait, polar bears live in the arctic, penguins live in the antarctic. Leopard seals eat penguins. HA!
SHUT UP, YOU! OMELETTE DU FROMAGE!
I know it wants my soul. I know it does. I cannot bear to look at it any longer. CAN YOU TAKE IT ALL AWAY! CAN YOU TAKE IT ALL AWAY! WELL, YOU SHOVED IT IN MY FACE, THE FOOD YOU GAVE TO ME!
ONE MORE FOR YOU, BOY. YOU LIKE ICE CREAM, RIGHT?
And then she showed me the most horrible things I’d ever seen.
Ice cream, forever made out of CHEESE. Delicious cheese, and delicious ice cream, RUINED FOREVER!
PERHAPS YOU WANT TO SEE HOW IT IS MADE, INSECT?
NOOOOOOO! ICE CREAM IS WOOL! ICE CREAM IS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! SAM, YOU BETRAYED ME FOREVERRRRRR!
Finally, I woke up. I was at the movie theatre waiting for the new Terminator movie to start.
With, I might add, a full container of popcorn, and a full drink.
I ate the whooooooooole thing.
And nothing ever went wrong again!